My wife told me of someone she knows who is going through a difficult time. There is an element of her trouble that struck a cord with me and my experience. When something has gone wrong in my life without warning, and an emotional truck has bounced me into the sidewalk, I try to reason myself back on my feet, solve the problem. If I can make sense of what has happened, understand why I didn't see it coming and see where the faults are then maybe I can change things and fix it. I like things to work the way they should. But if bereft of the full facts, as at times I have been, I'm left with an equation that I can't solve, that swirls around my head day and night and won't leave. It calls doubt into everything: me, them, my past, my future, scrabbling for what I missed, what I did wrong, for answers. Like the high revving of a diesel train engine while in neutral, overthinking is a constant noise in my head, robbing me of sleep, using all my energy and wearing me down. Maybe I'm blind to my faults, or maybe it's not even about me. Whichever, I have learnt from experience logic is useless when information is absent.
Then I have to put all that down and see that all I have, is all that is left - just to carry on with life.
And only when looking back over the journey made can I see that wounds need to be left alone to heal and that I've learnt to live without answers.
Sometimes there's nothing else for it but to just walk the path.
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